Toward His Heaven

Shoulders weary, laden, worn

Striving upward on a hill,

Burden heavy, dirty,  torn

Pulling fiercely, climbing still.

Knowing surely, burden must

Be carried onward from the cross.

Doggedly, blindly, pushing onward

Determined to burn up all the dross.

Plodding, plodding, always plodding

Onward trodding, from the cross,

Toward His heaven climbing still,

Afraid to stop or all is loss.

Master sadly shakes His head,

bends down from His throne;

Gently touches little me,

tells me I am not alone.

Bids me open eyes & see,

I wonder how I cannot know,

And blindly I ignore Him,

When truth & light He free bestow.

He keeps on calling out my name,

Telling me to stop, & turn away from muddled mire

I think I hear from up above

& so I keep on climbing higher.

He knows my burden blocks my ears,

I am His sealed &  washed in blood

He will not see me walk away

From His presence, grace & love.

He pulls my burden hard away,

Clinging to it, I fight His mighty hand & moan

About my unwillingness to let go, I say that I’m

‘Afraid I’ll fail & never make it on my own.’

In a whisper He calms my heart

& shows me truth anew

His Son He sent, my burden bore,

There’s nothing left for me to do.

My burden of who I thought I had to be

Fell slowly to the ground,

I thanked Him for His grace & love

But again, I began to look around.

I didn’t fully trust His grace

And what He said He did.

I somehow thought I could save face

& dismiss all the sin I hid.

He passionately pursued me,

& tore my selfishness from me away,

It hurt, ingrained so deeply,

Held by sin’s dark way.

Blinded to my pride,

I thought I could press on, in my own

He knew better & in His grace

Would not let me, by wind be blown.

I pray to walk by His side,

Along the narrow way,

For this I’m made,

To worship Him all day.

To be an arrow on the road,

Not gathering crowds around me in a little glade

But pointing towards the cross of Christ,

Where every debt was freely paid.  

By His grace & that alone,

I stand here truly free,

& if my burden I lift anew,

Again, His truth will chase me.

& someday in His sacred place,

I’ll see afresh how very wrong I am.

When I look into His face,

& weeping touch His hands.

His grace is deep & love is wide,

His sacrifice was limitless,

To cover every single sin of mine

& I simply must confess;

That naught of good have I done,

Or ever could I do;

You clothed me in your righteousness,

& made my life anew.

Knowing surely, burden must

Be left behind at that rugged cross.

In His strength I’m pushing onward

By His grace He’s burning up my dross.

I’m sealed in Him

Held firm by grace

Until my final breath on earth,

& waking see His face.

Last Camp

This last camp was really good, I have lots of photos but for some reason they aren't showing up on my computer right now.
I loved each and everyone of these campers so much.
We saw almost all of them moving closer along the path to the cross. Some even said that they trusted in Christ throughout the week- time will tell if they truly have but praise God if it is true! (And also for a wonderful week and that everyone learned so much about God.)
Skype me if you want to hear stories. ;)
I have more things I want to say but they aren't for sure yet so I shall abstain.
Anyway, we had maybe 26 campers and they were all from near Donetsk. (more like "country kids" vs the last camp of "city kids") Veteran missionaries (those who are Ukrainian and those who aren't) all commented that this camp "was different from anything that they have ever seen." It was so neat to watch God working in the lives of these kids who had never heard the gospel before.
(most of them had never met Americans before either.)
Just to clarify... I keep calling them kids but I fit in the age range that we had. :P  14-16 was the main range but we had up to 20 yrs old (I believe- maybe just to 18 or 19)

The Things I'm Learning

Okay, my last post was mainly peaches and cream  pictures and captions. I wanted to do one that was more about how I have really been doing and what I have been learning. (Maybe one with stories is due sometime soon*)

The first few days were really hard for me... I didn't feel like I was learning anything, I was overwhelmed by my inability to communicate, (as my understanding and ability to speak Russian is much worse than I thought and my English is apparently too fast and too quiet.)

 Monday night after the first whole day with the campers I went upstairs to "the big room" where we do worship times and meetings and play games at night... I tried to play UNO... Ukrainians play UNO very differently...
I was so humiliated by my incompetence in every sense of the word...To play the game, to speak the language, to be a missionary, to teach English... I was so done with being in Ukraine. I wanted to come home. I went to the bathroom and got in the shower (to be clean and to hide my tears) and sobbed, and sobbed. I told God that I wanted to come home, I wanted to wake up and have it all be a bad dream; I told Him "I thought that I was supposed to be learning and growing on this trip, and I'm not!" I questioned whether I truly believed in God, if I was really supposed to be here... I wouldn't be surprised if I was so at my wit's end that I questioned whether I really liked ice cream or not. ;)
After this I texted my mom briefly and got the wise advice of "go to sleep"
Upon waking I was still in a funk... (I couldn't even look at pictures of my family and say their names without struggling not to cry.) God slowly began to work on me... I don't remember exactly which day but somewhere within the first three or four days God helped me to adjust more and depend on Him. I had some blessed encouraging moments from different people at camp... Times of prayer and reading God's word. I was still not excited to be there, (I was exhausted most of the time as well) but God helped me to have a better attitude and to develop relationships with different campers.

Being in Odessa the past five days I am realizing even more what God was teaching me in that and the things He continues to teach me. I am seeing more of my pride, and desiring to be approved of by humans and finding my worth in how people view me, (or how I view myself.), I am seeing how I pridefully want to "have people I specifically am leading to Christ" instead of being content to watch and pray for other people's relationships, I am seeing how I am lethargic in sharing the gospel clearly and directly with people.

In daily, momentarily, taking my eyes off of myself of "high self esteem" and "low self esteem" and fixing them solidly on who I am in Christ; (the chief of sinners, saved by grace and chosen for a blessed inheritance in Jesus Christ my Lord.) I can not worry about "brownie points" in how many people I've directly shared Christ with or how many people came to me today asking me questions about the Bible study... Maybe no one comes to me the whole time, maybe no one wants to talk about the things of God... My job is to speak the truth in love, be willing to love even if they don't love me, to be available for them and pray for them and the people who are able to minister to them... This is only by the strength of Christ. Only He can fill me with passion for His gospel to be spread, only He can provide the opportunities and only He can give me the right words to say at the proper time.

These are ways that you can be praising God and praying for me this next camp week (leaving Odessa on Saturday for Kherson.)

I am looking forward to this next camp, to see how God will be working in my life and in those around me. I look forward to utilizing the things I have been learning.

When I am weak He is strong and I need to be reminded to pour myself out as a fragrant drink offering so that He can fill me with Himself... It is scary, it takes a lot of trust, the question of "what if I give all I have and can't push on?" comes to mind.
He has proven Himself faithful so many times, He will be faithful in this as well.

*I know there is so much of my life these past two weeks that I haven't covered and will certainly try to whether on here or when I get home, but if you have any questions in particular feel free to ask in comment or drop me an email. ;) I always tell stories better when I have questions to answer.

In Christ,
Susannah

PS. I hope this all makes sense, if not, PLEASE ask me to clarify!

Lots of love,
Susannah

A Brief Overview of the Past Week of Camp

I woke up on June 30, to Elijah having picked me some of my absolute favorite flowers and buying me donuts for breakfast. (the picture was taken after we had eaten. ;) )

At the airport to leave

IN UKRAINE!!

 Yana (camper) and me

 Lily (translator) and me

 me, Yana and Oksana (campers) Kimberly (the young woman I am blessed to be living with.)

 Me and Lily again

 Ira (camper) and me

 Zhenya (camper) and me

 Three kids I LOVED playing with the last couple days of camp... Yulianna, Timur and in the back Misha. 

The beach by the river in Kherson 

The jewelry making class

Kimberly and my English class. (Upper Intermediate)

Cafeteria 

Getting ready for worship time

View on the way to Kherson

Uno games at night... typically about two groups this size... 

(My Uno group.) They play Uno very differently here than I have ever played. It is really fun though.

Carlos summoning the camp for evening games. 

Kim and my small group.. L to R

Natasha, Dasha, Olya, Sasha, me, Anna, Vera, Oksana and our amazing translator, Alyona.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I will be leaving in the next few hours for O'Hare. Hopefully sleep on the plane and then wake up in Istanbul for a layover, then off to Odessa!!
Lots of craziness trying to figure everything out these past few days but God is faithful.

Back from Montana

Hello everyone! I didn't bring my laptop with me to Montana so I'll just have to do my post now...
Montana is a BEAUTIFUL state and everyone at the training center is so kind and welcoming! I loved meeting everyone and the fellowship that I enjoyed there was very cool.

We saw lots of these guys right near the walking path!

Paula (She and her husband Ron picked me up from the airport and dropped me off again. They stayed at the training center while I was there.) Paula makes me think of my mom, (yes- for the way she showed maternal care) but also for her interests... hopefully they can meet some day! 

Me (Duh) I look super stressed or something... (We had just finished hiking part way up a mountain on a goat trail to see the waterfall [behind us]) 

Zach, the other intern who will be in Ukraine the whole summer. Don't strain your eyes and doubt your ability to read... His shirt is in Ukrainian. ;)

FRONT: Andrea (Jeff's wife), Kay, Ron (Paula's husband), 

MIDDLE: John (Andrea and Jeff's son- also the boy behind John's shoulder (Will) is their son. 

Behind Ron is Jeff and next to him is Stephanie.

The very back row is Melissa, Zach, Wendi & John 

Kay and Zach and I went on a walk/slight hike, to the swinging bridge. 

There was NO way I was going on that swinging bridge... I waited for them to come back and took pictures. :)

Believe it or not we all like each other... :/ (our pose is so formal! :P )

Me, Kay and Zach

Me and Kay :)

Classes were good, cross-cultural communication, spiritual warfare, how to teach English, some evangelism, discipleship, I led a devotion and had to teach an English class... that was an interesting experience! (Thankfully I will have three camps to practice my teaching skills at while I am there. :/ )

One thing I learned a lot about is the importance of prayer.

Thank you all for praying!!

Some of you I may have already emailed my prayer note to while I was in Montana... I'm going to attempt to do one weekly- if you don't want it and I already sent it to you go ahead and let me know and I won't send it anymore, or put it in the spam box. If you DO want it and I haven't already sent it to you go ahead and let me know. :)

Also, if you look in the right sidebar of this blog there is a 'follow by email' if you want to get an email when I do a new post... I think that's how it works. :P 

"Newsletter"

Here is an updated version of the letter I gave to my church family a couple of Sundays ago:



I want to share with you all what I am going to be doing this summer.

God has provided an incredible opportunity for me to be able to go on a missionary internship to Odessa, Ukraine with International Messengers.
On June 11 I will be traveling to Montana for a week of training in discipleship, evangelism, Evangelistic English Camp Training, and cross-cultural adaptation.
I will come back for about a week and a half, then I will leave for Ukraine where I will be until August 26.

In Odessa I will be involved in the local Russian/English speaking church run by I.M. missionaries. Some of the things that I will be doing are:
Teaching evangelistic English language camps.
Discipleship
Evangelism
Leading small groups and Bible studies
Being involved with a local orphan ministry camp.

All the while I will be mentored by a young, single woman named Kimberly (who I might also be living with) and I will be learning how to be a missionary.

Things that you can be praying for me are:
~That I would be growing in my knowledge & understanding & love for God through this trip.
~That many people would come to Christ through the different things we will be doing over there.
~That I will be able to pick the language up quickly so that I can communicate effectively. I would really love to not need a translator the whole time.

I’d greatly appreciate your prayers and will miss you all very much! 

The Greatest Commandment

I've heard it my whole life, "God is love" "Love others" "No greater love has anyone than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."  I know it... You can't hear it that many times and not know it. 

But sometimes things that you know in your mind have to be taught so that you really know them in your heart.

          

                        'Let all that you do be done in love.' 

                                   ~1 Corinthians 16:14

                                                                 All that you do...

How is it that we can so easily be distracted and forget the things we know? They might not be bad things that occupy our attention; for example: school, work, even a missions trip.Yet they can still distract us- (at least they can distract me) from my purpose right where I am, right now- to love with the love of Christ.

'By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.' ~John 13:35

My life without the love of Christ is useless.

'If I speak in tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.' 

~1 Corinthians 13:1-3

So often I want my rights, and if anyone interferes with them...

If someone hurts my feelings...

If someone is purposely trying to annoy me...

If someone doesn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated...

    ...I can be jealous, angry, impatient, prideful. 

'Then Jesus said, "Father forgive them, they know not what they do."' ~Luke 23:34a

Our Savior cries out on behalf of His executioners as He is bearing the wrath of God that should have been mine.... That kind of love is incomprehensible. The purest example of humility welcomes us ungrudging and patiently with open arms and loves us even after our sin, including my lack of love- nailed Him to the cross and held Him there- naked and exposed to the wrath of a holy God; even after we have rejected Him time and time again He still loves us.


                                           This is the love that He calls us to have for others. 

'"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in His love. I have told you all this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."' 

~John 15:9-12

                                        "This is my command: Love each other." ~John 15:17

'Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."' 

~Matthew 22:37-40

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."                                 ~Matthew 19:26b

Brief Update

My ticket to Montana is purchased and my ticket to Ukraine is being figured out. 

I have an end date for my job.

I am starting to think about the clothes I am going to need when I am there... It is all coming so fast!!! I have less than four weeks until I leave for Montana and less than seven weeks before I leave for Ukraine! 

I am excited and nervous! 

Lord Willing, I'm Going!

Monday- I anxiously checked my email between 2-10 times an hour until I had to go to work. After work I checked my phone again and still found nothing. I walked out towards the parking lot to see my mom and dad getting out of their car- I was a bit suspicious... I introduced them to one of my co-worker's-they chatted briefly. When my friend had gone they started by saying, "so we got an email from Jeff..." *cue the flip flopping heart* then my mom read it out loud... I have been accepted!!!!

Tuesday- my siblings and I spent the night at my grandma's house so I texted my mom in the morning to ask her if she had responded to Mr. Jeff's (I'm not going to use his last name as I don't have permission...) email yet. She forwarded it to me as soon as she had. Then I emailed him as well with a few more questions I had. Then my dear aunt came and took graduation pictures of me. I did school and we headed back home. After work that night he called me and we talked about the questions that I had.

Wednesday- Mr Jeff is going to contact the missionaries today and tell them that they may contact me! Trying to figure out plane ticket costs to Montana as I will need to be there on the 11th of June.

Super excited, and thankful for this opportunity but nervous and sad (at the thought of leaving my family and friends for the whole summer.) Prayers that I would "Be all there.." And "live to the hilt [in this] situation" for God and His glory would be awesome.